In Futures

This point of balance is not
a broad concept of a lifetime
or a piece to fit
in the puzzle of my life
Not even a period of time
within which
some semblance of order
can or should be found
That's the lie
the false excuse of wandering
the rationalization
for not being here

But here is where I am
sitting at this keyboard
and it all comes to this
if I have courage
or not even courage
but honesty
and if not that
then a kind of recognition
that this isn't something
done before dinner
and prior to the theatre
but lived now

Now is what there is
and I've written of it before
like a revelation
and perhaps that's true as well
For all these years
it seemed a kind of journey
these activities
a step to somewhere
and it didn't matter
where so much
as long as knowing now
could be put off

And so of course, I put it off
this most intimate
look at who and what I am
this very moment
There was room, there was time
and no need
to end the sentence of my life
commas would do
Period. Enough.
I stand back and look
to see this instant
as a final photograph

If you read these words
that photograph remains
a still life of a man
this man at a keyboard
my finger poised
above a letter
choosing, deciding
looking at who I've come to be
Not tomorrow and not later
in the day, not a piece
but the whole puzzle
laid out in this moment

I find success in that
and little but excuse in futures
that cause me to compare
and let slide away
the me that is
with the me that might be
An intellectual trick
the penalty that's paid
for this developed brain
that writes and thinks
Compares what is
with what could or still might be

You'll never catch a wild thing
doing that
and never find a squirrel
who wishes to be a cat
or horses damning
the windswept rain
against which they turn
their hunched quarters
It's only me and you who think
we've earned a fireplace
and hate the raincold moment
waiting for a bus

I haven't licked it yet
but you need to know I'm trying
to put this love
in some sort of order
this thrill of being cold
and broke and worried over
To nod a bit in sunshine
and not ruin it with clouds
and feel a shivered cold
study it and smile
to make it mine
not thrown away in futures