September, 1998

It's refreshing to see that someone has finally shown as much disregard for sensible judgment as the oft-criticized and much-maligned American jury. It's just not fair that juries get all the credit for kooky awards, no matter their propensity and long-term dedication to the principles of kookiness. A federal judge has just put himself in the running for this year's National Finals and I say it's about time.

Gavel in hand, he's just taken on Iran in absentia. That means without them being present, which is the best way to take on Iran. Saddam Hussein wishes he'd been that smart.

Federal judge Royce Lamberth tagged Iran nearly $248 million dollars, inviting the nickname "Rolls" Royce in the environs of his courtroom. In the suicide-bomber death of an American college girl in the Gaza strip, the judge speculates that Iran backed the terrorist incident financially and is thereby responsible for damages. Well, I guess that'll teach 'em and not a moment too soon.

The award included $1.5 million in "economic" damages to the family, which might possibly be lawyer's fees, it certainly can be economically damaging to take anything to court these days. Another million for "pain and suffering," twenty million for "loss of companionship." Then the zinger, $225 million in punitive damages, but I think he was a bit of a piker putting together that number. Iran probably pumps that much oil every twenty minutes or so.

I say hit 'em where it really hurts. Let's start selling defective armaments on the world markets and see how much luck those terrorist Jihad jockeys have with bum ammunition and plastic explosive that's really plastic. The hundreds of billions in armaments we've poured into the word's hotspots over the past few decades are working far too well and it's time to relax the quality controls at Martin Marietta. Nice young American college kids are beginning to die now in the crossfire.

But it's not too late, never too late to make a bad situation worse. The same American Congress that provided all those weapon sales is not to be confounded by its own tomfoolery, not by a longshot or a voter's eyebrow. That erstwhile governing body gave American courts jurisdiction to hear civil suits against foreign countries. Hence the vengeance of Judge Royce. We can't sue our own country, but we can bloody-well sue everyone else's, once Congress is in session.

Never mind that our navy shot down an Iranian passenger jet, that was merely loaded with foreigners and mostly Iranians at that. Never mind our CIA and who funds their escapades. Judge Royce vowed to strike his own personal judgmental blow against 'state sponsored terrorism' and by golly, he lasered right in there "We're overwhelmed," said the girl's father. Well I guess.

If the families of the 290 passengers killed in the Vincennes fiasco return the favor of suing other nations in absentia, the bounce-back judgment ought to total a tidy $72 billion. What's that? The U.S. Navy made a mistake and that's different? Oh okay, the two hundred ninety killed will be pleased to hear they died by 'mistake' instead of terrorism. But in striking his blow, Judge Royce may be interested that Islamic Jihad faxed Reuters, calling on their people to "escalate the struggle," citing "this strange verdict."

Strange indeed. It's easy, Judge Royce, to make a grandstand judgement and get headline coverage, your own personal fifteen minutes of fame. It's more difficult to craft a policy that lessens differences, influences understanding and brings disparate cultures together. Hard to see where either the actions of Congress or your ruling will have any impact, other than to make the locals feel good and drive the adversaries further apart.

That's not good law, nor is it good sense. But hey, it's a free country.

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