March, 1998

It seems sometimes if we can't toss the drug dealer in the slammer and throw away the key, we unmercifully clobber the common thief. Frustrated by real crime, we we lash out at what is hardly crime at all. Two items from my paper set me off in that philosophical direction and it's a great ocean in which to sail---the wind seems always to be up.

The first is the infamous ruling by Judge Jean "Cookie" Rheinheimer, upholding a 26 year to life in prison sentence that Kevin Weber picked up under California's 'three strike' law. Life for stealing four chocolate chip cookies. The judge's nickname isn't really Cookie, I laid that on her myself and apologize right now for my lack of proper discipline before the bench. Many two-time losers have been packed away for life for the most minor of crimes by the likes of Judge Rheinheimer. So many in fact, that the Supreme Court in '96 held that judges were allowed 'leniency' in the enforcement of three strike sentences.

In the spirit of that leniency, the judge held that Weber was 'typical of the defendent the people and legislature had in mind' when they drafted the law. The prosecutor at Weber's hearing to reduce his sentence added the incredible statement that "If we wouldn't have had an audible alarm, we probably would have found money stuffed in his pockets." Well, Al Capone probably was the head of the Chicago prohibition mob as well, but in those days we didn't sentence for 'probably.'

The second item catching my eagle-eye was the revelation that our late president, Lyndon Johnson bugged the office and phone of his vice-president, Hubert Humphrey. It seems ol' Lyndon was scared to death that Hubert would part ways with him over the Vietnam war---most everybody was at the time. Land o'goshen, that Hubert was a wiley critter and might use it to run against him and that was reason enough to bring in the FBI wiretappers.

The lovely part of that story is that the FBI went ahead and did it with nary a ripple of conscience over law. It takes a judge's order to tap a phone and ol' Lyndon could probably whistle up a passel of judges on even his worst day, but he didn't even bother and J. Edgar Hoover didn't trouble himself either. Those are crimes, either one of which, by (take your pick) the President of the United States or the Director of the FBI, outdistances stealing chocolate chip cookies by a country mile. Even in a fixed horserace, illegal wiretapping comes in first.

So it seems we're overfed these days on paranoia. California becomes so outraged at criminals who get off time after time after time, that they enact well meaning but flawed law, in order to pack away for life any three-timer, poor idiot and seasoned criminal alike. And I grant, you Kevin Weber may have been seasoned as spicily as any. But the Supremes (the judges, not the singers) thought too many cookie thieves were being put away and gave judges some leniency. For some reason they preferred the word 'leniency' over 'sanity.' A bunch of convictions came up for review after that ruling and Kevin's cookies were upheld.

Largely because presidents like LBJ and Nixon ran over so many citizens, the Congress came up with its version of 'three strikes,' a way to get the guys who couldn't be got. They called it a Special Prosecutor and it runs neck and neck parallel to the California example of the wrong law for the right reason or at least close to maybe the right reason. As a result, too many cookie thieves are being hounded from the party that's in by the party that's out. But neither side wants to admit the flaw, because it will be their turn next time and then just watch the fun.

In the meanwhile, we are subjected to an unending national agony while Starr looks for Clinton's cookies, or at least some crumbs, or the intent to keep flour in the cupboard, or . . .

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