March, 2002

Obscure political pundit, Haywood Jablome, announced today the formation of a Political Action Committee named BRIBE, an acronym for Bucks Resolve Issues By Entropy. A definition garnered by this reporter explained entropy as "a measure of the unavailable energy in a closed thermodynamic system," which sounded on reflection, pretty much like congress.

Reached in his hammock on the porch of a mountain retreat, Haywood explained the goals of the organization as "giving the voter a chance to finally buy back the government sold out from under him." Pressed further, he claimed paying off public officials was an equal access issue that had far too long been in the hands of the privileged few. "I wanted to call it "Buying Back America'," he said, "but BBA just doesn't have much pizzazz and sounds too much like a government agency itself."

Jablome's plan is to solicit an annual five bucks from every American, with which he will bid for the votes of senators and representatives on significant issues. "Bid?" he chuckles. "If everyone kicks in their ante, we'll have a billion and a half a year and more control than Enron. Regardless of their scandalous public image," he said, "these senators and representatives come surprisingly cheap. Buying a president," he continued, eyes misting slightly, "is only slightly more expensive and far more accessible. With a four year shelf life, a president has a much more realistic idea of the quarterly dividend benefit when the clock is running."

Reached at his Senate office, Senator Tom Daschle welcomed the announcement. "We of the House and Senate leadership have long felt that it's time for the American public to lay their personal money on the line and give these lobbyists some real competition," said Daschle. "With a billion and a half, I wouldn't doubt Americans would see gun control, decent public transportation, health care and maybe even a rise in the minimum wage, although that might be a stretch." Asked if citizens weren't already invested in government through taxes, Daschle smiled enigmatically and murmured, "Get real."

Haywood, gazing wistfully across his wood-smoke shrouded valley, concurred. "It's time American citizens bellied up to the bar with the Wall Street crowd to buy back America. BRIBE has an agenda and it's a long one. As soon as I get myself some new wheels, I'm going after a lot of issues, but my ten year old Honda's sinking faster than the Japanese economy. First things first, I always say, you absolutely must have priorities."

Pressed further, Jablome said BRIBE planned no steering committees, no organizational hierarchy and an absolute bare minimum accountability. "Nope, it's just me and I plan to run lean." He chuckled. "But when I drop in on a senator, I reckon he'll come out of committee right quick. Now a president's another thing altogether. Might take an hour or so's notice with a president. Governors---" he snorted, "well, governors will just have to take a number and be patient."

Asked if five million a day wasn't a bit much to handle personally, Heywood replied it wasn't all that complicated, merely a matter of zeros, a rather large backpack and keeping a neat Rolodex. "Much like shopping at a supermarket, a can off this shelf, a box off that and before long you have a government that represents voters."

Questioned about future plans, Jablome said he hoped BRIBE could accomplish it's goals within five years, then disband. "That's seven and a half billion, a laughably small purchase price to buy back the government Jefferson originally provided for us. Our final goal will be a law that makes it a federal crime for any elected official to accept any contribution of monetary value, thereby killing off BRIBE and restoring democratic government. Well, fairly democratic anyway, these things are always relative."

Local correspondent, W. Herschoff Faineant, glanced at the Honda parked in Jablome's drive. "Looks pretty good to me."

"Well, she looks okay, but she squeaks pretty bad up front and she's got 240,000 miles on her." Heywood scratched his head. "There's a metaphor for American government sitting right there on four wheels. Grass roots aren't worth a damn when it comes to tired tie-rods, it's going to take a different kind of green to get this baby running again."

Heywood can be reached through an intermediary, freeman@vol.cz, for all interested parties other than the IRS and Donald Rumsfeld.

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