June, 2005

China's unsolicited bid to takeover Unocal is equaled every ten days in less obvious investments like Treasury bills and real estate, but that doesn’t keep Congress from going ballistic. Politicians are not really very smart and for the most part are economic idiots, running, running, running for office but seldom having run anything else in their lives, such as a business.

So don’t look to Capitol Hill for guidance, you're better off in Webster's under G. It’s panic-time and the lemmings we keep sending to Washington (mostly to keep them off the streets at home) are collectively scratching their heads and wondering how to position themselves. Unable to find an economic truth glowing in a dark room, they’re suddenly calling for trade sanctions and an economic accounting in the China matter.

Well boys and girls of the Senate and Congress, gather ‘round and try not to sniffle. There’ll be milk and cookies after the explanation. That $1.9 billion Bush is borrowing each and every day is real money, the same kind you spend when you get out your credit-card, write a check or lay out a few Franklins. What that means is that every ten days, kiddies, we’ve sold off a piece of America equal to Unocal. Yes, that’s right. Repeat after me, “Every ten days we are selling off a piece of America equal to Unocal.”

There now, feel better? Wipe your eyes, here’s a cookie.

Now, boys and girls, here’s something else to remember, so lis-ten care-ful-ly: if you run a business and every day you spend more than you earn, someday they’re going to take your business away from you and won’t let you play with it any longer. There, there, don’t cry. Here’s another cookie. Repeat after me, “If I spend more than I bring in every day . . . and I keep doing it . . . pretty soon they won’t let me play with my country any more.”

I know, you’d like to get a big old stick and hit that bad old China. But you see, it’s not really bad old China, the bad old China thing is just like those creatures under the bed that go ‘woof’ in the night and we don’t believe in those anymore, do we? There, there, wipe your chins. Have another cookie.

So now, instead of getting a big old stick and hitting bad old China, we’re going to thank China, because more than any other country in the world, they’re lending us the money every day that we’re spending to sell off our country. You’re all so cute. Your eyes just got so big when I said that. Have a cookie. Repeat after me, “We’re all going to thank China for helping us sell off our country.”

Now kids, gather ‘round and let’s see what we could do to not sell off our country, because we don’t really want to do that, do we? Let’s put on our ‘thinking caps.’ Everybody got theirs on? Good. Well, we could:

• Put a tax on the wars we’re fighting right now and the ones we plan. That’s how wars are usually paid for. Oops, I almost said ‘financed,’ but that’s a tricky-poo word, isn’t it? That would stop half a billion dollars a day and that would help us not sell our country.
• Or we could maybe stop giving away so much of what we earn in this ‘business’ we call a country. Remember when we talked about spending more than we earn? That was fun, wasn’t it? What we earn is called taxes. Nod your heads if you understand. And Mr. Bush and you, boys and girls, gave away a thousand Unocals in just the last four years. My, that was bad, wasn’t it? Don’t cry, here’s a cookie. If we didn’t do that, we would have more money than we spent every day. Wouldn’t that be grand? Let’s all say it, “That would be grand!”

What do you think, kids? Does any of that make you feel better? Did it make that bad ol’ China worry go away just a little bit?

Time now for your nappy nappy. Everyone put your heads down and no peeking or giggling.

Get out of the Archives and read what Jim's writing today