March, 1998

Horst Holthoff is an upbeat guy, a fellow with a tourist's enthusiasm for the sights and sounds of foreign lands. You can tell from his rhapsodic revelations after having toured Saddam Hussein's Radwaniyah Palace. Horst is one of the senior diplomats assigned to weapons inspection teams and you can tell right off just how he got to be a senior diplomat, top of the heap and all that.

Horst is a real kidder and almost American in his enthusiasm, expressing Saddam's current mood as "Fantastic. Absolutely positive." He added, "I am personally impressed by the spirit of the cooperation."

In case you've been occupied elsewhere, after four months of wrangling and near war, Saddam finally agreed to have his palaces inspected. It's tiring work being a despot and he wanted to prove once and for all that the eight layouts were just for his personal rest and recreation. But the UN and Horst have set some precedent here and the result may be breakthroughs in other difficult areas of law enforcement.

I understand the DEA is now reviewing their policies of drug interdiction. Taking their cue from the Iraqi successes, in a pilot program appointments will now be made in all cases where there is a suspicion of drug warehousing. The owners of those specific buildings in which drugs may be present or where there is rumor of drugs being present will be asked to select alternate Tuesdays or Thursdays in the month of their choice for inspection. No more than two 'not at home's will be tolerated.

The thrust of this trial policy change is meant to move criminal investigation away from the nasty and confrontational reputation it has had in the past and open a new cooperative era. Mafia types on both coasts of the United States have given cautious endorsement to the new rules, although taking a wait and see attitude. "If the Feds are acting in good faith," a source close to the Gambino Family said, "we'll let them have the run of the house and promise not to flush toilets. Personally," the unnamed source added, "I'm really glad everyone was able to back down a bit and quit breakin' down doors."

Senator Albin Hotchkiss, chairman of the Crimes & Misdemeanors Committee, hailed the Un-Iraqi process as a way to significantly reduce crime in the next century. "We're just not making headway with the old methods," the senator was quoted. "The future clearly lies with non-confrontation and Horst has shown us the way. With his method, I can confidently predict that 80% of all criminal activity will disappear from the police blotters in the early years of the new century. It's a legacy I'm proud to leave to my children," he added.

Pressed on what crimes would be too indelibly imprinted on the fabric of society to succumb to the new protocols, Albin looked unblinkingly into the cameras. "Jaywalking, running stopsigns and spitting on sidewalks will always be with us," he intoned. "Any crimes for which prosecution is dependent on evidence will continue to plague society. But," he continued, "Saddam and what could have been a serious world crisis, have shown us the way to significantly reducing world terrorism as well as crime on our streets. It's another creative application of 'don't ask, don't tell' and we're grateful for the breakthrough that has come from this confrontation."

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